I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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