I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
