Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
