Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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