I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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