she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
