I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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