So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
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