Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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