you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
