why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize