This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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