Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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