too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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