hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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