Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
