I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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