I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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