I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I just googled if crying burns calories
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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