is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We have started to decorate penises.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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