Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
