Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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