Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
This is the high leading the old right now
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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