Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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