captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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