just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
