She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
