Her vagina should come with caution tape.
honey bunches of taint.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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