I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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