I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
