It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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