If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
