It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You're like the curious george of whores
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize