It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
