I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
