Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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