apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
