Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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