Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
