My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
