i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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