How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
