Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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