I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
