I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
