Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
