come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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