Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
