I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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