you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
