i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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