I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
