No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
