yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
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