my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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