my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
