so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
