I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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