Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
