I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
