and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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