i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
