In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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