it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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