My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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