Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
should my penis look like a turkey
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
