hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Please don't give away my fajitas
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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