he thought i was a dude.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
